Tag: Parenting

Parenting And Relationships

Responsibility

Anthony Dixon

Responsibility


When I was a teenager I thought that growing up meant being free of my mother’s constant nagging about the person she wanted me to be. A proud Man with values that others would admire. Having respect for my fellow man, not hurting anyone directly or indirectly, not stealing or cheating, to be precise do unto others as you would have them do to you. All through those turbulent teen years it never occurred to me that what Mother was doing was preparing me for the life ahead of me. She was teaching responsibility to an oblivious teen who could not wait to be an adult and do all the bad things that adults do, like too many sex partners, excessive use of alcohol and drugs. It never occurred to me that they were wasting their lives and killing themselves. I once worked with a twenty one years old man who had heart murmur  from the amount of coke that he ingested from seventeen to twenty one. Can you imagine a young man with the heart of an old man. I also met a Man who didn’t know the names of all his children, he had so many with different Women. Yet another man who drank anything other than milk or water and his stomach would bleed, from all the alcohol he drank .



All this boiled down to responsibility, something that too many adults lack. Immature and irresponsible they know how to scratch the itch but nothing about parenting, I would need a calculator to tabulate the amount of men that I have met in their forties and fifties with the mentality of a fifteen year old. Looking back I thank mom for all the nagging. Of all the misfits that I have been unfortunate to have met in my life, I must say mother did her Job raising two Boys by herself with great success. Neither one of us possess a compulsive obsessive disorder, both good husbands and  fathers, world class citizens who respect all of God’s Creatures.
Parenting comes easy for me, lead by example and pass on values through the way you live your life, it can’t be taught. Trying to teach values and living your life in a gregarious manner is contradicting.



The other day I noticed a young man with two young boys heading to the Beach, in one Hand he had a twelve pack of beer in the other was an opened can that he was sipping from. The message he was sending, public drunkenness was against the law but cool anyway, how contradictory. It’s the same when you invite a bunch of friends over, everybody gets shit-faced and trash talk when the kids are within earshot. That’s  irresponsibility , kids are like sponges they absorb their Environment. Once I was sitting at the kitchen table with my friend’s wife having a conversation when her eight years old son could not get her attention he vehemently declared mommy you are a Bitch , instead of slapping his face and giving credibility to his vulgarity, she asked him why he called her that. He staunchly replied Daddy said that you are.

 

 

It appeared that he and his dad had a conversation about something that his mother told him he couldn’t have and his response was, don’t mind her she is a Bitch. On another occasion we were in his Basement doing some work, the Door leading upstairs was slightly ajar. His eighth years and his six years was locked in a fierce Verbal confrontation, calling each other every vulgar names under the Sun. I thought to myself these kinds weren’t being Raised up they were being dragged up by irresponsible people who were clueless that their children were living their parents lives mimicking the way they interacted with each other. Six years later the girl was sitting in the Driver’s seat of his Truck, he had his Hand between the Door Frame and the Door. After years of watching her Mother being abused she slammed the Door shut on his Hand, he had unwittingly corrupted his daughter. As I have said over and again, anyone can make Babies, but we all don’t possess the level of responsibility to be good Parents.

 

 

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Killer Mom

Anthony Dixon

Killer Mom

I was no more than seventeen, Man about Town or so I thought, until I witnessed one of the most brutal acts of child abuse perpetrated on a kid by his own Mother. One Summer’s afternoon I pulled up to Cindy’s House to pick up her Sister for a Date, she informed me that Joy went to the Store and would return shortly. She invited me in and to make myself at home, Sin as she was called unbeknownst to me for more than just a nickname. She was a Horrible person  a Child abuser and a loose woman with two children. Wasn’t more than five minutes that I sat in the living Room when she returned with two Beers and snuggled up to me so close air could not pass between us.

It appears that Joy her younger Sister was sent on a wild Goose chase and I was now Cindy’s Date. This girl was fast, now I know why she was twenty four with two children six and seven, now she was putting the moves on me looking for her third one. What did I have to complain about, any seventeen year old would be happy to go tell his friends that he was Seduced by a twenty four years old Woman. It was at that early age that I became familiar with bad parenting. Where I come from Moms and Dads were there for your protection. The kids were playing on the floor she was hot with the foreplay and ordered them to go play in their Room. The Girl left the Room as told the Boy was reluctant he stayed put, she called the Girl back into the Room and ordered her to discipline the Boy for not complying.

Never before have I ever seen a Parent using one sibling to discipline another and fifty years later never heard of such a practice.  The Children were standout Karate Students the Girl was one year older and a Brown Belt. Like a Ringmaster at a Dogfight she gave the command to fight, it still hadn’t occurred to me that this was the real deal and this was not the first time, I thought they were only putting on an exhibition for my entertainment. After the first two blows landed to the Boy’s Head I knew that no Karate Instructor in his right Mind would teach kids to fight like that, it was her doings. This was an Evil person destroying two kids.

The Boy put up a valiant effort but was no match for his Sister, now I was embarrassed for All and had to leave. I have regretted being a Dumb seventeen year old who didn’t go down to the corner and returned with a Cop, but that’s what happens when you are seventeen and think you know it  all. That was the case for her also, to be knocked up twice by eighteen and had  been A Bad Parent every step of the way. I will forever be talking about kids becoming Parents, snubbing their own life with Responsibility beyond their capabilities. Being a good Parent is a selfless Act.

How do I know? My Brother was a Dad at seventeen but not a Parent. Life is strange it gives you all the clues as early as you recognize them. Maturity should come early from the School of Life. No! It sheds a group of Mindless people who were never told that Life is not Perfect and never will be. They suffer setbacks and they take it out on the Kids, they split up early and it’s you are just like your Father. It doesn’t stop there sometimes the kid gets what the father would have gotten if he was close by. One month ago a celebrity type jumped to her death in NY holding her seven year hand, because she couldn’t deal with the stress of a messy divorce.We try to give our kids all they need to survive and grow into Adulthood yet not a word about them being parents themselves. Worst of all you weren’t up to the Job yourself. What they say Monkey see Monkey do.

Cindy was a bad Mom but not the worst,and then there are killer Moms and Dads. In my earlier Blog Filicide I laid it out how young frustrated parents kill their infant children for simple things like crying constantly or acting up or to exact revenge on the other parent.  As I have said over and again any Idiot can crawl in the Sack and make a Baby not everyone is up to the Task of Parenting.

Remembering me telling you that being a Parent is a selfless act . I was a late pregnancy everyone told her it was dangerous and she should abort me, despite the fact that she could lose her life she chose to give me life. That is why I simply cannot understand a Parent taking their own kids life. I have been living in the Tampa area for four years and there have been a minimum of six Filicide to date. Sunday September 2nd spawned yet another Baby Killer, after a bitter split and months of abuse to her two years old son Charisse Stinson reported to the Cops that her two years old son Jordan was Kidnapped.

For three Days everyone in my old Neighborhood of Largo Florida is looking for this child. The case is only a week old so I have to mince my words. It is rumored that she had struck the child and he hit his head which produced Seizures. Knowing she had many questions to answer at the Hospital she kept the child overnight, the next day she was seen putting out garbage, the same day the child is reported missing. On Tuesday the child’s Body is found in a wooded area of my old Neighborhood. She is promptly arrested and charged with his Murder. The Girl is twenty and is clueless as to the responsibilities of Parenting what do you expect.

Jordan Belliveau, the 2-year-old toddler who went missing for more than two days, was found dead late Tuesday.

His 21-year-old mother, Charisse Stinson, now faces a charge of first-degree murder in the death of her child.

“As you can imagine, this is an extremely difficult and emotional time for all of us,” said a shaken Largo police Chief Jeffrey Undestad at a night news conference that night.

 

 

Largo police revealed no other details about the case, including the cause of Jordan’s death and what evidence or statements may implicate the mother, who struggled to care for her child amidst a chaotic relationship with the father.

 

 

This is a Published Article on the Subject of Filicide.

 

A parent killing a child happens more often than we think

(CNN) It’s the most unfathomable of crimes: a parent killing their own child. It grabs headlines when it happens — like this week in Georgia, where a mom is accused of stabbing four of her children to death. The reality is, filicides happen with depressing regularity in the US. And mothers are almost as likely to be the killers as fathers.

Of course we’re shocked whenever we hear about a parent taking the life of their own children. Think Andrea Yates or Susan Smith. But what’s even more shocking (and sad) is that this type of crime happens a lot. A study in the journal Forensic Science International looked at three decades worth of filicide cases (between 1976 and 2007) and found they occurred about 500 times a year in the US.

Almost 72% of those killed by their own parents were 6 years old or younger.

And one-third of the victims were just babies under 1 year of age.

But more than 13% of the victims were adults, specifically people in ages running from 18 to 40 years old. So the threat of filicide doesn’t go away when people get old enough to move out on their own.

More than 40% of the killers in these crimes were mothers, with fathers making up about 57% of those who killed their own offspring.

Cheryl Meyer, co-author of several books on the subject, said it’s probable that a mother kills a child somewhere in the US once every three days.

Only 10% of the victims were killed by their stepparents. That means 90% of the victims were the biological sons or daughters of the killer. And sons (52%) were more likely to be killed than daughters (38%).

Parents used what the study called “personal weapons” to beat, choke or drown victims in the majority of cases involving underage kids.

If the victims were adults, parents used guns in 72% of such killings.

There are several reasons why

Dr. Timothy Mariano, the study’s lead author, offered up three theories: the parents are often mentally ill, they usually have higher levels of testosterone and the offspring that they kill may be considered unwanted.

Forensic psychiatrist Phillip J. Resnick, pioneer in the study of filicide research, identified five major reasons:

Altruism: The parent kills the child because he or she may perceive it to be in the child’s best interest. It may be reality-based (e.g., the child suffers from a terminal illness) or precede the suicide of the parent, as the parent feels it would be unfair to leave the child behind to face the cruel world.

Acute psychosis: The parent kills the child based on ideas that are inconsistent with reality. For example, the parent believes the child has been possessed by the devil.

Unwanted child: The parent kills the child that he or she regards as a hindrance.

Accidental: The child’s death is an unintentional outcome of parental physical abuse.

Spousal revenge: The parent kills the child in an effort to exact revenge on the other parent.

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting And Relationships

Positive Parenting

Anthony Dixon

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Life, Parenting And Relationships

A Train called Me

Anthony Dixon

A Train called Me

I couldn’t have been more than fifteen when I complained to Mom about my little Gig stocking shelves at the Supermarket. Her Philosophical answer, to get by in this World you have to kiss Ass until you can kick em. Moral, as long as you are dependent you suck it up until you can do better. Man were those words ever riveted in my Brain. It was those words that kept me grounded and in check through my horrendous teenage, thinking at fourteen that I was my own Man. My attitude was rambunctious believing that I could do whatever I wanted to do. Still not able to feed and clothe myself or put a Roof over my head. Mother was not a difficult person, but her rules were to be obeyed.  Juvenile Delinquents are people who outright refuses to do what they are told thinking that they can skirt the Law. When my Kids were twelve and thirteen there was a Sign in my Basement Den, “now that you know everything, you can move out and pay your own way”. Now a Sign like that would have me kissing Ass.

At fifteen I knew the importance of a Job and not to grow up Illiterate. But I still couldn’t afford to move out. So that’s why  when she found my Ounce of Marijuana I shut my mouth and acted Repentantly. Even though It wasn’t long after that at sixteen, going to a Party she told me to be in the House by 12. While she was talking I could hear the little Demons in my Head “she is not talking to me” I’m coming home when I please, that is Delinquent thinking. Long after twelve I came stumbling home almost 6am Shit faced and all, what was I thinking that I could Rule a strong Willed Woman. She lay- waited me behind the Door with a Broom Handle that dropped me to my knees. Another JD would have gotten up and be conforontational, I took it like a man. Being a single Woman raising a child like me she had no choice but to be tough, otherwise I would have end up ruling her.

Once again more Ass to kiss, I disobeyed her wishes while I was living under her Roof,  they were to be respected, or move out, again I choose to stay and try to co-exist while not paying Rent. This is where a lot of kids develop misconceptions, thinking that their parents are obligated to put up with whatever crap they dish out on their parents. I knew that my Mother was not obligated, she had remedies like putting me in a Juvenile Detention Center. Instead she chose to work with me. When you get to the point where your parents can’t tell you anything, it’s time to move out.  My Mother and I got along famously  both strong Willed and neither afraid to match Wits. She would Bond with me to control my mindset of being bad, drowned me with Honey so she  could hardcore Reason with me. Then she would flip like a light switch with the ultimatums. She would look me in the eyes and told me at seventeen, if you leave this House, Don’t come back,  I was going to a meeting of the Radical Extremist Panther Party. How she knew what I was up to her name must have been Holmes. A good Parent have to be a Detective to know what their kids are up to.That’s a Great Mother. She would crawl in a Skark’s Belly to save her son, on the other hand she would put me on the Streets to see the Evil of my ways. Tough Love is using your wisdom and experience to break someone.

I was on a Runaway Train and she made it her Job to stop the Train called me. By eighteen Mother didn’t have to worry about who I was hanging with, where I was four A.m. in the morning or who the person I was becoming. Her Job was done, her values were a part of me, being responsible for my actions was my nemesis and doing Prison time was my Phobia. On the Road called Life people make wrong turns everyday, Kids aren’t exempt from losing their way. One of the hardest part of Parenting is not giving up on a child who have gone astray. At fourteen I didn’t need any help being a Deviant yet my best friend was a twelve year old Boy who attended Catholic School. a Deviant in his own rights.

He had access to more Marijuana than a Farmer, his older brother sold it, after School we would return to the Basketball Court in the School Yard and smoke the most potent strains till it was dark, and so were we. Gravitating to Street life have nothing to do with who the Parents are, his Parents were upward mobile Professionals and my Mother was a hard working Christian Woman. Without God’s hands working through my Mother the Streets would have won my Soul, chewed me up and spat me out in a New York State Prison. Today I work as a Contract Employee in a County Justice System, with a Criminal Record I could not have gotten the Job.

This is where my Life comes full Circle seeing all the Babies coming to Court, some barely twelve, some being Remanded and not going back Home. In an earlier Blog I stated that Teenagers know everything except projecting five years down the Road. Neil Young puts it Best ” old Man take a look at my Life I’m a lot like you were. Tom Petty’s Soul Asylum should be a Beacon for Wayward Teens like I was. I think about Pac all the time and wonder how his Life would have turned out with a Mother like mine.

Parenting And Relationships

I Would Rather do it Myself

Anthony Dixon


Oftentimes we impede our Kids growth. We put ourselves exactly where we shouldn’t be: in the middle of their problems. Parents who take on their Kid’s problems do them a great disservice. They rob their children of the chance to grow in responsibility, and they actually foster further irresponsible behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that with God’s help, they can always look first to themselves for the answers to their problems. Kids who develop an attitude that says, I can probably find my own solutions, become survivors. They have an edge in Learning, relating to others, and making their way in the World. That’s because the best solution to any problem lies within the person who owns the problem. When we solve problems for our Kids-the ones they could handle on their own-they’re never quite satisfied. Our solution is never quite good enough.

 

 

When we tell our Kids what to do, deep down they say,I can think for myself, so oftentimes they do the exact opposite of what we want them to do. Our anger doesn’t help either. Certainly, it galls us to no end when our kids mess up something in their own Lives. When they lose school-books or bring home failing grades, it’s only natural for us to explode in a living, breathing Fourth of July display. But anytime we explode at Children for what they do to themselves, we only make the problem worse. We give Kids the the message that the actual, logical consequence of messing up is making adults mad. The children gets swept away in the power of their anger rather than learn a lesson from the consequences of their mistakes. When we intrude into our children’s Problems  with anger or rescue mission, we make their problems our problems. Children don’t worry about problems they know are the concern of their Parents. This can be explained partly by the “no sense in both of us worrying about it” syndrome. Kids who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they don’t, nobody will. Not their parents not their teachers- nobody. On a subconscious level, they feel much better about themselves when they handle their own problems.

Excepts from Parenting with Love and Logic

 

 

 

Related Articles

Sean Grover L.C.S.W.

When Kids Call the Shots

The Negative Voices in Your Teenager’s Head

7 ways to quiet them

Posted Jan 20, 2018

This is what a teen might say to you about his or her self-talk:

   “I’m mad. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wake up mad; other days it creeps up on me. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good. I wish I wasn’t so mad, but I am. I can’t help it.

   “Every day is a prison, trapped inside this changing body, repeating the same day over and over. My whole life is made up of things I have to do, not things I want to do. Tests, quizzes, reading assignments, papers, group projects — I spend the entire day with people I am forced to be with: teenagers who feel just as messed up as me.

   “Sometimes my feelings get hurt at school — by teachers, deans, counselors, but mostly by other students. I don’t tell you this, because I’m ashamed to feel hurt. I don’t want you to know how hurt I feel all the time.

   “My whole life has become ‘I don’t want to…’ I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to…I don’t want to…I don’t want to.

   “I can’t think of a single thing that I want to do — except sleep. It’s the only time I’m not stressing, the only time I’m not worried, the only time I’m not upset.

   “Sometimes I hide in my room and binge watch Netflix, YouTube, or mindless videos over and over, because I can’t stand to be with my own thoughts. I’m distracting myself from me. Does that sound crazy?

   “And, yes, I know that my room is a mess. I like it that way: It looks how I feel inside. And please don’t ask me what’s wrong, because I don’t know. I don’t know where these feelings came from.

   “I know that you’re mad at me. I can’t blame you. I stopped talking to you. Sometimes I say such mean things to you, horrible things. I blame you, curse at you, push you away. Sometimes I break things, because I feel broken inside.

   “It wasn’t always this way. When I look at old photos of me in elementary school, I see a little kid who was so happy all the time. A little kid who loved to dance and sing, who loved to be silly, who didn’t care what people thought.

   “I feel like that little kid is dead.

   “I’m going to tell you something now that’s hard to say. Please listen, because I really mean it: Don’t give up on me. Don’t hate me back. I need you to be stronger than me. I need you to be my parent, even though I say I don’t want one. I need you to be more patient than I can be, more understanding, more accepting. Even when I am yelling at you, even when I tell you that I hate you, I still need you to love me.

   “If I could tell you how to help me, this is what I would say:

1. Give me space.

Don’t come in my room, corner me, or make demands. I don’t have any answers. When you push me or yell at me, I feel worse. I need to be alone. I need space.

2. Don’t yell at me.

The noise in my head is so loud sometimes that I can barely hear my own thoughts. I can’t stand it. When you yell, I feel worse about myself. I feel unloved. I feel like I am your biggest disappointment.

3. Take my electronics away.

I can’t put my phone down; I try, but I just can’t. I know it’s devouring all my time, but I can’t help myself; I can’t stop checking it. I need your help. I need you to set limits on technology. Please. I will fight you, but it’s what I need. Don’t try to reason with me: Just do it.

4. Bring me someplace quiet.

I say I don’t want anything to do with you. But if you could bring me somewhere quiet, somewhere we could walk together and not argue, somewhere I can feel the sun and listen to the wind in the trees, somewhere I can breathe and forget about everything that’s bothering me, I think I would like that. Even if we don’t speak, I will feel comforted.

5. Stop spoiling me.

Stop giving me everything I want. The more you give me, the more I resent you. I want to earn things. It helps me feel grown up. I want to learn how to save money, spend money, share money. And I’m never going to learn that if you keep giving it to me. I hate being dependent on you; please help me become independent.

6. Find me someone to talk to.

I need someone to look up to who isn’t you. I need an adult to admire, someone I want to be like, a person who believes in me, who pushes me, and who understands me. A mentor, a counselor, a therapist…anyone who can give me hope when I have too little for myself.

7. Tell me that you love me.

I pretend not to care. But I really need to hear you say the words, ‘I love you.’ Because right now, I don’t love me. Even though I’m making your life hell, I still need to feel loved. Especially by you.

   “I guess that’s it. I know that being a parent is really hard. Sometimes you probably wonder why you did it. But I’ll get better. I promise. I’ll get older and we’ll enjoy each other again. Until then, understand that I appreciate you.

   “I may not say it often, but still I love you.”

More on the Subject

At what point in life that we all come to the Crossroads that we know everything and that we are no longer reliant on your parents knowledge, which have brought you to the point you are now, ready to take on Life on your own. That happened to me when I was fourteen, whatever that was said to me in my little mind, didn’t relate to me because I was going to do exactly as I wanted to do. A Rebel without a cause, on a one-way track on a runaway Train heading to who knows where, many Teenagers like me end up on the Streets, in jail or Dead. My message, the power is in you,  coming to your Crossroads and making your own choices, preferably the right ones. Ask yourself 20 questions, one of which is this me in 5 years. Teenagers know everything except to project  years down the Road. Five years is a lifetime locked up.

My Mother wouldn’t hear of that, if necessary she would do my prison time. Only a Fool who don’t recognize acts of kindnessnes. That was enough to change my way of thinking and began taking on responsibility. Once again I beg you don’t do stupid things like I did, like smoking Weed at fourteen. The rest of your Life is in your hands.

 



P.s. momma may have Papa may have but God bless the Child that’s got it all together for himself.